Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
