You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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