Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
