i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
