A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
