I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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