living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
