I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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