I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i out mim tonsoeep
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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