Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
