You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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