Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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