Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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