this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
