I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
