now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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