jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I believe in your delicious
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
