Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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