I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
