just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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