the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
