Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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