Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
