then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
