She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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