I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
