Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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