I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
