Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
