She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
