dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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