I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
