What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
