Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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