he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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