After last night, I could never be a politician.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
