JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
