My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
