He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
