I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
