filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just had sex on a roof
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
