Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
