Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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