Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
