Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
