At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
