If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
