Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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