by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
