Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
